the river connection.

trigger warning: discussion of living children ahead.

Life is ever-evolving, and so is how I show up here.

I’ve not been working actively on The River Connection for a variety of reasons, but for the past year that lack of activity has been due to experiencing a successful pregnancy and birth of my only living child. I haven’t been sure how to approach my presence here without acknowledging her presence in my life. She fills up most of my time and so much of my heart.

That’s not to say that my loss babies don’t also occupy my heart.

Last week, March 28th marked three years since River’s due date. A year ago I didn’t have the words to approach talking about what it felt like to be pregnant with my living daughter and think about what came before, especially because at this time last year I was convinced that yet another pregnancy was ending after I started bleeding. I had seen blood before and I never ended up with a baby in my arms. I was so certain that I was miscarrying another pregnancy that I snuck away from a family dinner at a restaurant to buy a little wooden dragon figurine to represent this little would-be dragon baby to match River’s little wooden ox. The zodiac animals of the babies that would only live in our hearts.

But this time was different. I had a subchorionic hematoma, causing bleeding that didn’t equate to loss. We saw a heartbeat for the first time in four pregnancies at a six week ultrasound at the fertility clinic to diagnose the hematoma. It resolved in a few weeks and our daughter is here as the proof.

That little wooden dragon is still on the dash in my car because I couldn’t bring myself to move it even after we learned that our triple rainbow baby was thriving in utero. Like it was a lucky charm that would keep our little dragon girl safe.

Even after the birth of our beautiful girl, River lives in our hearts and our lives in ways that are growing and changing as our little one grows. River’s song is on baby’s little playlist that we put on when she needs some help falling asleep. Her peridot is present throughout our home and nestled next to the jade piece on my most worn piece of jewelry. Her presence in our lives makes innocent questions from strangers and new acquaintances much heavier than they’re intended to be.

River’s love for her little sister shines brightly in the rays of sunshine that land on our baby’s face as she’s taking her morning naps. It’s so clear to us that our daughter was sent to us by River.

With River in our hearts and our little one in our arms, we hold grief and joy simultaneously.

So here I am, saying that this space will be one that discusses motherhood in many forms. As a loss mama, I know that discussion of living children can sometimes be triggering. I wholeheartedly understand if you need to leave this space as I refocus through the lens of mothering in its many forms.